By Matthew Serda, Bachelor’s in Social Work Intern –
I am very loving, and you are lucky to have me • If you don’t listen to me, you’re just going to do it wrong • You’re cheating on me, aren’t you? • I just get angry sometimes • Men are abused just as much as women are • I just have low self-esteem • I lose control • I’m just afraid of abandonment • Only you can make me feel like this • I do it because I care about you • You’re just like my last partner
When we think of domestic violence, we may picture the stereotype of the man who openly acts aggressively toward everyone. Domestic violence is diverse. It exists across age groups, as well as between and across genders. Virtually anyone can be an abuser, but there are things one can look out for. Lundy Bancroft, a researcher, and authority figure on the topic of domestic abuse offers some alternative images to contemplate.
The Demand Man, having little sense of giving and taking, will exaggerate their contributions, punishing their partner for “not giving enough”, be that not true. Mr. Right is the ultimate authority figure on everything. Without consideration, they will speak condescendingly to their partner, and they seek to control their partner’s thinking. The Water Torturer is extremely calm. They constantly front the image of one who is level-headed, yet will employ aggressive conversational tactics, and they excessively gaslight their partner. Mr. Sensitive tends to skate by undetected. Nearly the opposite to the stereotypical, outwardly-aggressive abuser, Mr. Sensitive can be incredibly soft, gentle, and supportive when observed. They seem educated and self-aware, but at the same time, they say insensitive things and brush over hurt feelings. The “Victim” thinks life has simply been unfair and usually blames their behavior on their partner. The partner is afraid to leave, “what if they can’t take care of themselves without me.”
These are all archetypes of abusers that are often overlooked. Their tactics may seem vastly different from those we see in media, but there are truths to all persons who abuse: they are controlling, they feel entitled to their behavior, they twist things into their opposites, they disrespect their partner and feel superior, they confuse love and abuse, they strive for a relatively good public image, and feel justified in their actions. Sometimes, we may hear stories from loved ones of experiences that they intuit to be “off”. “Something just isn’t right.” It is possible they have encountered Mr. Right or perhaps a Mr. Sensitive. Maybe, we are the friend in this situation. Nonetheless, we have an obligation to ourselves and our loved ones to pay attention to that voice inside of us that something is “off”. Is their version of abuse different? Do they get insanely jealous, but are at other times completely rational? Do they succeed in getting people to take their side? Do they lose control sometimes, yet are frighteningly calculated at other times? Do they seem like they are changing, but ultimately nothing is different? Simply noticing these red flags can save a life.
